Revolting Red
by LittleMagenta
Summary: --ONE-SHOT-- There is a lot about Little Red Riding Hood that you don't know. Curious about her grandmother's profession? Or what was REALLY going on in that cottage? It's all inside...


Allow me to tell you a story quite true,  
That took place in the village where I myself grew,  
Of a woman, an awful though beautiful rotter,  
Who lived with her most unattractive daughter.

You know the story of Little Red Riding Hood,  
A beautiful girl, pleasant and good.  
But believe me when I tell you there was so much more…  
Starting with, I suppose, that her grandma was a whore!

Grandma had her daughter at the age of fourteen,  
A daughter who became the most world-renowned beauty queen.  
At one of her pageants she slept with the judge,  
Who tempted her to his room with a basket of fudge.  
But he truly loved her, or so she believed,  
And that was how Little Red Riding Hood was conceived.

Alas, the man ran out when Little Red was born.  
But for her mother, there was no time to mourn.  
**"Oh God!"** cried the woman upon seeing the girl,  
**"This child's face makes me want to hurl!"**

So for many a year, Little Red was ignored,  
Never called on in class and quite un-adored.  
Then one day, during a family visit to grandma,  
Mother had an idea that made her say, **"Ah  
I know what I'll do!"** she said with delight,  
**"I'll be like _my_ mother and prostitute at night!"**

After all, Grandma had such a lovely house,  
Including an indoor toilet that flushed quiet as a mouse.  
And where else could she have gotten that money?  
It now seemed so simple, it was almost too funny!

**"Now, why did I not think of this before?  
There are numerous perks to being a whore!"**

And so she picked up her mother's profession,  
Charging each man five hundred per session,  
And at last she reached this most pleasant deduction:  
She could afford plastic surgery and liposuction!

So she took Little Red to the doctor that day,  
With ten thousand and ninety nine dollars to pay  
To make her little girl beautiful, lovely as a pearl,  
And take away what once nearly caused her to hurl.

Three months later, Little Red had healed quite nicely.  
**"Good thing,"** said her mother, **"for an operation so pricey."**

She was now the girl of whom you have heard,  
Of blue eyes, fair skin, and hair gold and curled.  
She was never, ever, ever again ignored.  
Always called on in class and oh so adored!  
Doted on by mother and grandmother all day and night,  
Until one day both of them saw the light!

**"It worked out for us, so why not for her?  
She is so much more beautiful than _we_ ever were!  
She's only fifteen, but who really cares?  
I want a house with comfy leather chairs!"**

Mother said, smiling brightly and raising her brow,  
**"It will never be legal, so why not start now?"**

That is the part you never were told.  
And you would have stayed ignorant until you grew old  
Had you not stumbled upon and awoken yours truly  
After I'd dozed in the grass, all brown and unruly.  
But I am not done, my friend, oh no, not yet!  
There are points in this story you don't really get.  
Take, for instance, her run-in with the beast  
Who loved nothing more than a Little Red feast  
It is a lie, all of that which they say,  
Telling you Little Red was the victim that day!

It is true that her grandma lived quite far away.  
But as the first whore of the bunch, she demanded some pay!  
So every month Little Red would set off,  
Even if she had a headache, a pain or a cough,  
To the village where her dear old grandmother stayed,  
Waiting and wanting to be rightly paid.  
But their sort of business was illegal, don't you forget.  
So they had to be swift, or else be all wet!

**"Grandma is ill,"** Red's mother would say,  
As sort of a code for, _'Today is that day.'_

She'd fill up a basket with butter and cake,  
And give it to Little Red Riding Hood to take.  
But amongst all of that was something well-hidden,  
Procured by having a profession forbidden.

Off went the girl into the dangerous wood,  
With nothing to protect her but a cape and a hood.  
Her mother had said, **"Straight ahead!"**  
Not to delay or be misled.  
The police had started to become suspicious,  
And punishment for their crime was something quite vicious.  
But Red could not help but become distracted.  
By her scent had a handsome gray Wolf been attracted!

_'Oh!'_ thought Little Red, _'Now what should I do?  
I want to obey mother and go right straight through.  
And the way his eyes are roaming just might make me so sick.  
But mom said __never to turn down a trick!'_

She immediately accepted the Wolf's proposition,  
Proceeding to ask him his favorite position.

**"My dear,"** said the Wolf, **"there is no need to rush!"**  
And he grinned at Red Riding Hood, making her blush  
**"Darling, if there is one thing I love, and this I must say,  
It's the euphoric _thrill_ of chasing my prey!  
Where are you headed?"  
**A question she _dreaded_!

She searched for a lie, but came up with none  
_ 'Oh screw it!'_ she thought. _'Let's have us some fun!'_

**"My grandma is ill.  
Always writing her will  
Over and over and over again.  
So I hoped that this food might help ease her pain!"**

**"Oh, well how caring!"** said the Wolf to Little Red.  
**"Going to Grandma so she might be fed!  
I now feel that my proposition was wrong.  
I really should just let you hurry along."**

**"Oh no,"** said Little Red with a smile so sly,  
**"You don't have to go. There's no reason why!  
If there is one thing I'd love, and this I must say,  
It would be the euphoric _thrill_ of being your prey!  
So why don't we play a game of cat and mouse?  
We'll go separate ways to my Grandmother's house!  
You take the short, and I'll take the long.  
Wait by the door, there's no way to go wrong!  
I'll go inside and drop off these things,  
And then we will have us some quite happy endings!"**

They agreed on a price  
By a roll of the dice,  
And set off on their separate ways.  
Heading to the cottage where Grandma still stays.

As for the race to the house, the Wolf did obviously win  
And took is upon himself to drop right on in.

_'What could be the harm,'_ he thought to himself,  
_'Of dropping in on the woman and wishing good health?'_

But as he soon found, Grandma wasn't there  
After looking around, he could not seem to care!

**"Why, I've never seen anything quite like this house!  
This toilet flushes far _quieter_ than a mouse!  
And oh, my word, would you look at this bed!  
Black satin sheets, pillows lacy and red!  
I _must_ lay down in it, that won't do any harm.  
If _I_ could have a house like this, I'd give my own arm!"**

Now, the Wolf enjoyed things that were so oddly kinky,  
And Grandma enjoyed clothing sort of soft and, well, slinky.  
Right atop the dresser by the large bed there sat  
A collection of lingerie and a pink cashmere hat.  
The Wolf couldn't help it, he put it all on,  
Then slipped under the covers, and quickly was gone.

Soon enough, Little Red Riding Hood arrived,  
Noting the failure of the thing she'd contrived.  
The handsome gray Wolf was no where to be found!  
She rounded the house, and then heard a sound.  
Looking in the window, she let out a scream,  
For there was the Wolf, dreaming a dream.

**"If Grandma comes home, there'll be no way to redeem!  
She'll ruin my clothes, beat me all black and green!"**

So little Red Riding Hood, that mean little louse  
Made to quickly dispel the gray Wolf from the house  
She opened the door, causing him to awake  
And laid down the basket with the butter and cake  
She knew what he liked, she played his game  
So as not to disgrace her family's "good name"

**"Grandmother dear, did I awake you?"**

**"Oh no, darling girl,"** he said, taking the cue.

**"What big ears you have, flattered by that hat of cashmere."**

**"All the better to _hear_ you with, my dear."**

**"Even larger, though, Granny, must be your eyes!"**

**"All the better to _see_ you with, and make me seem wise."**

**"Oh, Grandmother, you've got such big hands!"**

**"All the better to _grab_ you with, and undo waistbands!"**

And at last she delivered the final remark.  
**"What a very large mouth, with teeth like a shark!"**

**"All the better to _eat_ you with, my dear Little Red!"**

And then all at once he leapt out of the bed.  
I will not describe what he was going to do  
Purely for the sake of her, me, and you.  
But I will tell you that it was never to be.  
For Grandma came home, and what did she see?  
Little Red in her bed with a big, hairy creature  
Wearing her clothing to match every feature.  
She had been out all morning in the town bakery,  
Playing with the baker, whose name was Old Henry.  
They had gone back to her house to have them so fun,  
But now it seemed as if there'd be none!

**"How _dare_ you, you mangy rat!  
I'll have your fur for a new doormat!  
I don't know who the _hell_ you think you are,  
But I'm gonna thrash you so hard and so far!"**

As it turned out, when Henry wasn't with butter,  
He spent his time outside as a woodcutter.  
So he reached behind and pulled out his axe,  
Preparing to flay that old Wolf's sorry ass!  
Cut open the stomach, filled it with stone  
And other such things that will be left unknown.  
The three then took the Wolf and went to the river  
Whose water could make even the thickest-skinned shiver!  
They threw the poor gray Wolf right on in,  
Giving no time to atone for his sin.  
The rocks in his stomach weighed him down much like lead,  
And those three evil humans just left him for dead!

That is the truth of the story, you see,  
Which seems to be known exclusively to me.  
But I swear by all that I will spread the word  
And make sure that the reality of this may be heard!

What did they tell you became of the animal?  
That his end was so lonely, and so very dismal.  
Waking up to find stones in his belly,  
He tried to stand up, but his legs were like jelly.  
He crawled away, and barely made it to town  
Before pure exhaustion just made him fall down.

Lies! Lies! Lies, I say!  
I will tell you that Wolf still lives on to this day!  
Plotting and longing for retribution!  
He will not rest before ruining those two wretched women!

Excuse me now, I fear I must go.  
I've gone on for much, much too long, you know.  
I have plans for tonight, and I must not be late  
And on top of all that, I haven't yet ate.  
I'm off to town now, and before I grow thinner,  
_I will be having some beloved old friends for dinner._


End file.
